Her Secret Infatuation
by thatgirljazz
Summary: One dark night, Lily Evans contemplates what she has been hiding for two years. Her secret desire for one of the Marauders, that isn't James. Will she act on her feelings? Or will she let them go?For SilentConfession's Why Does Loving You Feel So Wrong? C


** Her Secret Infatuation**

_Why does loving you feel so wrong?_

Lily Evans thought this as she lay in bed that night. Here she was seventeen, intelligent, with a great boyfriend; her whole life ahead of her… any yet…all she could think about was one person. One man, whose mere presence in her thoughts, made her heart ache.

_He's James' friend and yours. You shouldn't have these kinds of feelings for him_. But they were always there, each night before she went to bed and when she got up in the morning. He was even in her dreams. It was wrong and she knew why. She even felt it. But she couldn't stop. He consumed her. And he didn't even know. Lily knew she couldn't live like this. It had been two years. She knew that James and her would someday get married and have a family. He would most likely be at the wedding. _This was wrong!_

Lily rolled over on her side. Tears began to well up in her almond shaped eyes and spill over onto her pillow. Why couldn't she just forget about him? Why couldn't she just let him go? Lily toyed with the thought of telling James…it would break his heart. Lily couldn't do that to him. These secret desires were killing her. At some point, James would figure it out.

Frustrated and hurt, Lily sat up in bed. Tucking one of her long, scarlet locks behind her ear, she took out her journal and read the past entry.

I_He looked at me today, when James was telling a story. Maybe he feels the same. That's unlikely. But there was something in that gaze. His eyes locked with mine, I could nearly heart my heart pounding in my chest. This is more than a crush, this is infatuation. I can't feel like this. But whenever I think about him, I just feel so…light. I feel on air and there's this jolt in my stomach, every time I see him in the hall. Why can't I feel this way about James? He loves me…and I love him…I do—don't I? Oh, it would kill James if he ever knew I wrote this. He cares about me, he can keep me safe and we can live a great life together. If I just forget about this. I have to forget about this. I **must ** forget about this._

As Lily snapped the journal shut, she closed her eyes. His face gathered before her. His soft eyes, the way his lips curved when he smiled…

"No, Lily," She muttered to herself, opening her eyes quickly.

Lily glanced at her watch, on the nightstand. It hands told her it was 2:30 am. She had been thinking about this since 11:00. Had it really been that long? Lily pursed her lips and scrunched her knees into her chest. _I wish there was an easy answer._ The thought danced in her head. She knew that these feelings hurt her soul…but if she acted on them in anyway, they would hurt everyone else. Is it so wrong to want to love someone? Someone else? Someone…that wasn't James? She was going in circles; she had been for the last two years.

Reaching for the book angrily once more, Lily ripped out the pages and tore them to shreds. Sobs began to escape her throat and her shoulders shook in her misery. Lily had to find a way to fix this. It couldn't go on like this.

"I keep saying this, but there's no way." She whispered, wiping her now bloodshot green eyes.

No matter how she went around this, someone would get hurt. Either James…him…or her. Lily thought back to when these feelings started.

It was mid-April and she was sitting in the library with him. He had fully explained the incident with Snape. Once she calmed down, her heart poured out sympathy for him. Lily never looked at him the same, from that day forward. Pulling him into an emotional hug, she let him know that no matter what she would be there for him. It seemed after that, they spent more time around each other. There was this understanding. They didn't even need to explain it to James and the others. It just was natural. But then the feelings changed. He would crop up in her thoughts, first every few weeks, and then every day or so…now it was constantly. _Damn it, I'm crying again._ _Is everyone else's love lives this hard…or just mine? _Breathing in a deep sigh, Lily decided what she was going to do. No matter how painful, no matter how hard…she had to do this. For the sake of her friends and the for the sake of James. _God, this is going to hurt so much_. But she had to, she was going to push these feelings out of her mind. When she saw him, inside her heart would no longer skip a beat, when he said her name, her knees would no longer buckle. All of that would stop. Lily knew at first, it would be difficult…but pain heals over time. It had to. She threw all her journal entries in the trash, wiped her eyes with a few tissues, and straightened her bed. These feelings began over time; they would end over time as well. Bit by bit, they would disappear, Lily told herself. If she acted normal, if she kept her feelings bottled up, Lily knew that James and his friends—their friends could live happy, full lives.

Yes, Lily nodded to herself. Heaving one last sigh, crying one last tear, Lily let go. She lowered herself into bed and laid back. Looking blankly up at the ceiling, it began to disappear. A little weight lifted off her shoulder, Lily began to see her life with James, their children, growing old. A white house, the picket fence, the lemonade on the porch, they would have a great family. She wouldn't give that up. But her heart knew, all these thoughts were just lies. It wouldn't get that perfect that fast. What she had just told herself was a lie. It was never going to heal over time, every once in a while he would crop up in her thoughts. She knew it to be true; she just wished her heart wasn't so damn honest. If her head could do all the feeling, this would be fine.

"Oh, Remus, if you even knew." Lily sighed, finally closing her almond green eyes to sleep.

Fin!

**A/N: Please review and please not too cruel. I know it goes in circles but that's the point. -Jess**


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